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Therapy homework 
12th-Jul-2007 03:48 pm
I have homework for therapy, which is more interesting than [DELETED]*.

I don't know exactly why she wants me to give my worst fears, but she does, and here they are:
1) Being alone. Partly because I don't actually trust myself to look after myself on my own (I forget to eat, clean, leave the house, etc), partly because I crave the human contact and judge my happiness on other people being happy with me.
2) That people who like me are only pretending to like me. That they're tolerating me and maybe using me if I'm useful, but really think I'm  - any number of negative things. That they disapprove of something I've said or do, or that they're talking about me behind my back and not coming to me, &c
3) Wandering aimlessly through life with no purpose in either work or hobby-space. Never achieving anything.

I mentioned that I take pride in giving people good advice, but amn't very good at taking it, so she told me to write a letter to myself. Or, translated into IBese, an LJ comment.

You're doing much better than you think you are, really. You're smart, popular, well adjusted and a talented writer. Remember this. Also, remember that it really doesn't matter what people think about what you're doing. It's easy to listen to people and take their opinion into account, but there's a fine line between that and bending over backwards to try and please everyone.
Making up your own mind is a huge step, and a good one, and yes, it'll be hard making your way in a new direction, but you just need to stay focused and remember: it's not the destination, it's the journey.
You have tonnes of friends, a healthy dose of talent and a gorgeous and smart girlfriend. You'll be fine.
The trick is to remember this, and take it all one day at a time and to understand: no moment is ever wasted if you're happy during it.

...actually, that's more reassurance than advice. I forget what I'm supposed to be advising myself on.

I finally got my act together and asked her about ADD, and she admitted she knew nothing about it. I mentioned symptoms list and she asked if she could see them, so here's what I got from darthrami a long time ago. My scores are bolded

Below, I've reproduced a list of ADD symptoms (one of a million out there, they vary in length and wording, but are all about the same). You're to judge yourself on each statement from 0 (never) to 4 (very frequently), then count up the number you scored a 3 or 4 on. If it was over 20, it indicated a strong tendency towards ADD.

1. History of ADD symptoms in childhood, such as distractibility, short attention span, impulsivity or restlessness. ADD doesn't start at age 30. 4

2. History of not living up to potential in school or work (report cards with comments such as "not living up to potential") 3

3. History of frequent behavior problems in school (mostly for males) 2

4. History of bed wetting past age 5 3 (very rare, but I did wet the bed when I was 19)

5. Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems 2 (I just don't know)

6. Short attention span, unless very interested in something 4

7. Easily distracted, tendency to drift away (although at times can be hyper focused) 4

8. Lacks attention to detail, due to distractibility 3

9. Trouble listening carefully to directions 3

10. Frequently misplaces things 4

11. Skips around while reading, or goes to the end first, trouble staying on track 4

12. Difficulty learning new games, because it is hard to stay on track during directions 2 (sometimes hard to stay on track during directions, but I pick up the rules quickly when playing)

13. Easily distracted during sex, causing frequent breaks or turn-offs during lovemaking 4

14. Poor listening skills 4

15. Tendency to be easily bored (tunes out) 4

16. Restlessness, constant motion, legs moving, fidgetiness 4

17. Has to be moving in order to think 2 (This is borderline – I do think better when walking, come to think of it, it just hadn't occurred to me before)

18. Trouble sitting still, such as trouble sitting in one place for too long, sitting at a desk job for long periods, sitting through a movie 2

19. An internal sense of anxiety or nervousness 4

20. Impulsive, in words and/or actions (spending) 3 (This is something I actively try to curb)

21. Say just what comes to mind without considering its impact (tactless) 3(ditto; and I'm getting better at it)

22. Trouble going through established channels, trouble following proper procedure, an attitude of "read the directions when all else fails" 4

23. Impatient, low frustration tolerance 3

24. A prisoner of the moment 3

25. Frequent traffic violations 0 (N/A)

26. Frequent, impulsive job changes 0

27. Tendency to embarrass others 3 (again, curbing. Perhaps beating)

28. Lying or stealing on impulse 0

29. Poor organization and planning, trouble maintaining an organized work/living area 4

30. Chronically late or chronically in a hurry 4

31. Often have piles of stuff 2

32. Easily overwhelmed by tasks of daily living 4

33. Poor financial management (late bills, check book a mess, spending unnecessary money on late fees) 3 (self-regulated)

34. Some adults with ADD are very successful, but often only if they are surrounded with people who organize them. 3?

35. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started 4

36. Starting projects but not finishing them, poor follow through 4

37. Enthusiastic beginnings but poor endings 4

38. Spends excessive time at work because of inefficiencies 3

39. Inconsistent work performance 4

40. Chronic sense of underachievement, feeling you should be much further along in your life than you are 4

41. Chronic problems with self-esteem 4

42. Sense of impending doom 3

43. Mood swings 4

44. Negativity 2

45. Frequent feeling of demoralization or that things won't work out for you 1

46. Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships, promiscuity 3 (friendships, not romantic. I'm unpromiscuous sexually)

47. Trouble with intimacy 2

48. Tendency to be immature 4

49. Self-centered; immature interests 3

50. Failure to see others' needs or activities as important 1

51. Lack of talking in a relationship 3 (working on it)

52. Verbally abusive to others 0

53. Proneness to hysterical outburst 3

54. Avoids group activities 1

55. Trouble with authority 1

56. Quick responses to slights that are real or imagined 1

57. Rage outbursts, short fuse 3 (dealt with but poorly- rage channelled into sulking)

58. Frequent search for high stimulation (bungee jumping, gambling, race track, high stress jobs, ER doctors, doing many things at once, etc.) 4

59. Tendency to seek conflict, be argumentative or to start disagreements for the fun of it 3

60. Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly 4

61. Tendency toward addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, work) 2 (I don't thinkI'm addicted to anything, uh. The internet? But I have seen habit forming activities)

62. Switches around numbers, letters or words 3

63. Turn words around in conversations 2

64. Poor writing skills (hard to get information from brain to pen) 1

65. Poor handwriting, often prints 3

66. Coordination difficulties 3

67. Performance becomes worse under pressure. 3

68. Test anxiety, or during tests your mind tends to go blank 4

69. The harder you try, the worse it gets 4

70. Work or schoolwork deteriorates under pressure 2

71. Tendency to turn off or become stuck when asked questions in social situations 4

72. Falls asleep or becomes tired while reading 4

73. Difficulties falling asleep, may be due to too many thoughts at night 4

74. Difficulty coming awake (may need coffee or other stimulant or activity before feeling fully awake) 3

75. Periods of low energy, especially early in the morning and in the afternoon 4

76. Frequently feeling tired 4

77. Startles easily 4

78. Sensitive to touch, clothes, noise and light 2

Now everyone go read tyrell. He's smarter and better worded than me and he rants extremely eloquently about marriage.

Also, where the hell has the day gone? Did someone steal my Thursday?

* I just don't want to be that kind of journaler any more.
12th-Jul-2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
Did someone steal my Thursday?

I... I thought you wouldn't miss it. I was hungry. And so were my poor children and crippled husband!
(Deleted comment)
12th-Jul-2007 07:50 pm (UTC)
It wasn't necessary, but thank you, very much. Valdiation is always good.

And cool, I'm up for it if you don't mind the fact it may have to stretch over Millicon. Could I have a link when it's up?
12th-Jul-2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
Wow. You and I sound similar, based on those three fears and the ADDish stuff. As it turned out, I was never conclusively diagnosed for ADD, but my therapist, when I still had one, wanted me to try ways of coping other than medication, because she thought I might've learned to deal with mine enough to function, and with just a few more coping mechanisms I'd not have to deal with Ritalin or Adderall or any of that crap. I uh, am not sure I retained any of those, though.

Anyway, those three fears, in slightly different order? Are mine, too. Your #3 is my #1, and your #1 and 2 fight for attention depending on which one I don't have at a given time.
14th-Jul-2007 10:49 am (UTC)
No small wonder we get along. :x
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