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Anxiety: An Anecdote 
14th-Jul-2007 12:15 pm
And not antidote, as first typed.

This is what it's like to be me:

Out of fear of missing my plane, as has happened with the Eurostar and once very nearly happened going to Tokyo, I arrived at the airport 5 hours before my flight and had to wait an hour before my check-in desk was even announced.

In the queue for check-in, there were people going around looking for volunteers to be put on a flight tomorrow instead. These volunteers, the recruiters explained, would be put up in a hotel over night, their connecting flights would be arranged, meals sorted out and then they'd get a $1,000 travel voucher or e600 (£400).

So, why, you ask, does my location read Gatwick Airport?

Well, because I decided it wasn't worth contacting Gareth and Bing and telling them I'd be coming a day late. It wasn't worth missing a day of my holiday and it wasn't worth the hassle of once again having to hike to the airport and worry and stress about transport or check in or missing my plane. Quite frankly, I'm stressed enough as it is. But most pressingly to me, I didn't want to change Gar and Bing's plans.

And then, having checked in and queuing for the baggage drop, I started to worry if I'd done the right thing. If Bing would be mad confused at me for why I didn't take the money and run, and that she'd say I took the wrong choice.

FTR, Bing's not the kind of person to be like that. Doesn't mean I didn't worry. And stress, and work myself up to nausea again out of anxiety about whether I made the right decision. This, the therapist says, is because I'm a compulsive care-giver. She uses long words like this.

But understand, I opted to maintain the status quo not because I thought it was the best choice but because it was secure, safer for my mental well being. I would have regretted the option just as much had I taken the money and lost a day of holiday.

The only ONLY thing that was keeping me from getting really bad was the fact that while I was standing there I was composing this LJ entry. Emotional objectivity: it's how I get through my life.

Then the InnerDad phoned up to say bon voyage and I talked to him and stopped being anxious.

This, gentle reader, happens to me daily. It's par for course in the life of me. So that's why I felt it had to be journaled.
14th-Jul-2007 11:34 am (UTC)
Shockingly? I understand completely. *hugs*
14th-Jul-2007 11:36 am (UTC)
You ever get the feeling that there're a limited number of brains to go round, and we got the same model?

14th-Jul-2007 11:41 am (UTC)

Travel safe, hon. y'hear?
14th-Jul-2007 11:39 am (UTC)
Oh good lord, I do this exact thing. I will make choices because they're the easiest one for my brain, not because they're the better choices. Just purely because I stress about what other people will think, and what I'll feel like if there's an extra hassle, and whether or not others will agree that I made the right choice.
14th-Jul-2007 11:52 am (UTC)
LJ entries -- better therapy than you'd think. Even if I never make them public.

I think you did the right thing, because I think either option would've been the right thing, and picking the one that keeps you sane is the good one.

Also, I'm not offline, I'm in the shower. ... That sentence makes sense in my head!

14th-Jul-2007 12:06 pm (UTC)
And not antidote, as first typed.

Now an ANTIDOTE is what we need! ^_^

Would you believe me if I said I know exactly how you feel?

Example that's going on right now: Before I hit "Post Comment" right now, I'm going to read this about 5 times, make two or three totally irrelevant changes, and then after I post it I'm going to read it 3 or 4 more times, and wonder if I shouldn't have changed something before posting it. No, really.

I'd also usually pate it into "word" and run it through for spelling and grammar, but since I'm hung over right now I dinna care. ^_^
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