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The Mutant Hand Saga 
27th-Sep-2007 11:22 am
I went to the doctor today, and he confirmed that, yes indeed, it is a mutant hand.

We had a long talk about possibilities and options, and the different sort of mutation it could be. It turns out that because it was a full moon last night and I didn't erupt, we can rule out lycanthropy, which was my only hope for a mammalian aspect. We talked for a while about tentacles, but really, he thinks I'm looking at dinosaur claws.

Now, given the endothermic nature of this mutation, combined with my scores on IQ, the Kinsey Scale, and garment spectroscopy, and other lifestyle choices, this means I have a ridiculously high chance of going evil if this mutation isn't removed. And neither my doctor or I want to risk that, so it looks like it's going to have to come off.

My entire right hand. Amputated.
It's a big thing to take.

Hand transplants are available on the NHS, but because I'm such a high risk of evil, it's almost certain any hand I get would be an Evil Hand, and I therefore don't qualify. Similarly, I don't qualify for subsidiaries for a robot hand, due to not being in law enforcement or, contrarily, a violent criminal the government wish to rehabilitate.

So, it looks like my only option is a hook hand. The advantages to this, of course, is that not only can I get one for free on the NHS, but also that if the InnerRents give me some money (and I'm sure they will), I can get a designer hook fitting with interchangeable hooks (I can't find a picture of my favourite, but let's just say it could be very useful). Also, if I contract something in my leg in the next five years, there are matching pegs available, which I'd get a discount on.

The disadvantage is that I'll have to learn to use my mouse left handed. And I'll probably never be able to sew again.

I can't believe this is happening to me, guys.

(Actually, it's stress related eczema and he gave me a cream, but wouldn't it be cool?
27th-Sep-2007 10:23 am (UTC)
I had to read that twice to actually get it. Damn me and my skim reading of things.
27th-Sep-2007 11:06 am (UTC)
Also, do you want to link the Francesca-Marlowe thread to the slowtime post, or do you want me to?
27th-Sep-2007 11:18 am (UTC)
I just did!

Thanks very much for it. I loved it.
27th-Sep-2007 11:22 am (UTC)

And my utter pleasure! We shall have to have them talk again sometime soon!
27th-Sep-2007 10:52 am (UTC)
The thought occurs that if you get the evil hand, then commit atrocities, the government will class you as a violent criminal. Of course they still may not wish to rehabilitate you...

Glad he gave you a cream as I had a look last night and I'm all out of hydrocortisone. The tube still exists but it's flatter than a 14 year old Venezuelan girl.
27th-Sep-2007 11:10 am (UTC)
Holy hell, you had me going!

I hope your stress doesn't try to attack any other parts of your body :(
27th-Sep-2007 01:50 pm (UTC)
I love you so much for this!

I think you should have kept the dinosaur claw though evil or not, it would've been cool and oddly appropriate for you!

Hope the cream helps out though, even if the truth is quite a let down :(
27th-Sep-2007 02:01 pm (UTC)
I expected you'd go for the hook, but have you explored the other options. Obviously there's the now cliched chainsaw. I realise that because of the chances of catching evil from the transplant, any old hand would do, but you may be able to use the left hand of your best friend, nd this might well qualify you to get a discount on tusks should you want to get your teeth fixed in the near future.

And of course you'll be wanting to give this hand the send-off it deserves. I recommend using it to distract an angry wolf, while I tie it to a tree with a ribbon.
27th-Sep-2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
Scissors would also be an option - a classic, go with any outfit, that sort of thing.
27th-Sep-2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
You are my new favorite.

You and your theoretically non-evil hook hand. (But we all know the likelihood of it staying non-evil when attached to you.)
27th-Sep-2007 04:38 pm (UTC)
ftw, lady.


27th-Sep-2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
To be fair, having a dinosaur claw, even an Evil one, might be kind of cool. Unless you got stuck with a to-scale T-rex arm. Those suck even when they aren't Evil.
27th-Sep-2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
It says something about my gullibility that I thought you were serious. Oh no! I thought. Poor one-handed Debi!


Nobody offer to sell me any bridges, okay?
28th-Sep-2007 12:06 am (UTC)
The widow of the late Mr Abacha has a business proposal for you...
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