So the not-OKness of me is probably mostly stress. Because oh boy howdy am I stressed. There's ORO, and ORO is good and it gives me hope. But I'm wound up like an E on a first string and it's making me angry at a lot of things. Like ULU not selling Jack Daniels anymore, or having nothing vegetarian other than an undercooked burger, or having vending machines in the ladies, or having pay-per-use cashpoints.
But also, I'm having a lot of trouble with online friendships. And I don't know how much is me and how much... isn't.
innerbrat (6:58:44 PM): I'm also going to do an LJ post about my paranoia about friends. Is that worth it, do you think?
agoodshinkickin (6:58:12 PM): honestly?
agoodshinkickin (6:58:20 PM): will it put your mind at ease?
innerbrat (6:59:47 PM): It will either a) stir up wank or b) get people to approach me and we'll sort stuff out.
innerbrat (6:59:58 PM): I think b) is worth the risk of a)
agoodshinkickin (6:59:19 PM): me too
agoodshinkickin (6:59:24 PM): so long as you get piece of mind
innerbrat (7:00:42 PM): and not pieces
So. Yes. Also, I waited for about ten minutes after writing this out of fear of upsetting people it's not talking about. But what is LJ for if not to whine about how y'all hate me, huh?
At the moment I'm... scared of a lot of people I used to call my friends. And I still would like to call them such. But the last couple of times I pinged someone to ask 'are we OK?' after getting an LJ defriending notification, I was lied to. (On both occasions Bing had also been cut. One of them said, 'oh, ooops, I didn't mean to defriend you that time' and refriended me, but not Bing, and then dropped me a month later anyway. The other said 'I dropped everyone do didn't do X,' and I later found out Bing had
And then being told that I really viciously hurt someone I don't remember viciously hurting, but not being told how or why I hurt them. Actually, that's happened twice with two different people. I've been rudely informed that I was a hurtful, spiteful bitch - one for something I know
I didn't do, and another for something which... well, they wouldn't explain how action Y had consequence Z, wouldn't tell me what Z was, and said I was beyond help if I couldn't figure out how Y led to Z on my own. Oh! and the two different LJRPG games that I'm convinced were founded to get away from me.
But more importantly, everyone who just hasn't... commented, pinged, tagged an RP thread, or variously acknowledged me for a while. This may be coincidence, but I haven't been in the easiest state of mind to dismiss it as such. So now I don't want to ask anyone for validation.
I'm a giant huge fucking hypocrite here because I am almost incapable of initiating contact. In fact, I only ever contact people if I want something from them, or if they are one of about five people, who know who they are, I think. I'm also really really busy and stressed so I skim posts and don't comment from lack of time and not wanting to be distracted. But that's worse right now because I'm all convinced people hate me. Or something. Because apparently if I ask people if we're OK, I get lied to.
It took a lot of work for me to grow up to the extent where I could go to people with whom I've fallen out and work through things. It took a lot of work for me to initiate contact at all. As it is, I did occasionally get anxiety moments when sending an email, but it's getting worse and worse. I'm actively avoiding things because of the conviction that I'm unliked.
. I'm scared to go into chat. I'm scared to ping people on AIM. I'm scared to get involved in plots. I'm scared to tag any pup in either Milliways or Fandomhigh. I'm hiding in the rabbtihole because at least I know Li and Weaves and Ana like me, but I'm feeling more and more that the general 'you' don't
. I can't even touch major plots because I don't feel welcome. There are pups who haven't spoken to family members for months because I don't feel welcome. I'm becoming more and more insular because I don't feel welcome with anyone else.
It's got to be stress. It must be stress, right? I know I've been tetchy in my home life as well, I just don't think I'm losing friends in Real Life.
Unless of course, I am, and I won't find out about it for months.