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Feeling ten years younger, and not in a good way. 
18th-Oct-2007 08:30 pm

So the not-OKness of me is probably mostly stress. Because oh boy howdy am I stressed. There's ORO, and ORO is good and it gives me hope. But I'm wound up like an E on a first string and it's making me angry at a lot of things. Like ULU not selling Jack Daniels anymore, or having nothing vegetarian other than an undercooked burger, or having vending machines in the ladies, or having pay-per-use cashpoints.

But also, I'm having a lot of trouble with online friendships. And I don't know how much is me and how much... isn't.

innerbrat (6:58:44 PM): I'm also going to do an LJ post about my paranoia about friends. Is that worth it, do you think?
agoodshinkickin (6:58:12 PM): honestly?
agoodshinkickin (6:58:20 PM): will it put your mind at ease?
innerbrat (6:59:47 PM): It will either a) stir up wank or b) get people to approach me and we'll sort stuff out.
innerbrat (6:59:58 PM): I think b) is worth the risk of a)
agoodshinkickin (6:59:19 PM): me too
agoodshinkickin (6:59:24 PM): so long as you get piece of mind
innerbrat (7:00:42 PM): and not pieces
So. Yes. Also, I waited for about ten minutes after writing this out of fear of upsetting people it's not talking about. But what is LJ for if not to whine about how y'all hate me, huh?

At the moment I'm... scared of a lot of people I used to call my friends. And I still would like to call them such. But the last couple of times I pinged someone to ask 'are we OK?' after getting an LJ defriending notification, I was lied to. (On both occasions Bing had also been cut. One of them said, 'oh, ooops, I didn't mean to defriend you that time' and refriended me, but not Bing, and then dropped me a month later anyway. The other said 'I dropped everyone do didn't do X,' and I later found out Bing had done X.)

And then being told that I really viciously hurt someone I don't remember viciously hurting, but not being told how or why I hurt them. Actually, that's happened twice with two different people. I've been rudely informed that I was a hurtful, spiteful bitch - one for something I know I didn't do, and another for something which... well, they wouldn't explain how action Y had consequence Z, wouldn't tell me what Z was, and said I was beyond help if I couldn't figure out how Y led to Z on my own. Oh! and the two different LJRPG games that I'm convinced were founded to get away from me.

But more importantly, everyone who just hasn't... commented, pinged, tagged an RP thread, or variously acknowledged me for a while. This may be coincidence, but I haven't been in the easiest state of mind to dismiss it as such. So now I don't want to ask anyone for validation.

I'm a giant huge fucking hypocrite here because I am almost incapable of initiating contact. In fact, I only ever contact people if I want something from them, or if they are one of about five people, who know who they are, I think. I'm also really really busy and stressed so I skim posts and don't comment from lack of time and not wanting to be distracted. But that's worse right now because I'm all convinced people hate me. Or something. Because apparently if I ask people if we're OK, I get lied to.

It took a lot of work for me to grow up to the extent where I could go to people with whom I've fallen out and work through things. It took a lot of work for me to initiate contact at all. As it is, I did occasionally get anxiety moments when sending an email, but it's getting worse and worse. I'm actively avoiding things because of the conviction that I'm unliked.

I'm scared. I'm scared to go into chat. I'm scared to ping people on AIM. I'm scared to get involved in plots. I'm scared to tag any pup in either Milliways or Fandomhigh. I'm hiding in the rabbtihole because at least I know Li and Weaves and Ana like me, but I'm feeling more and more that the general 'you' don't. I can't even touch major plots because I don't feel welcome.  There are pups who haven't spoken to family members for months because I don't feel welcome. I'm becoming more and more insular because I don't feel welcome with anyone else.

It's got to be stress. It must be stress, right? I know I've been tetchy in my home life as well, I just don't think I'm losing friends in Real Life.

Unless of course, I am, and I won't find out about it for months.
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18th-Oct-2007 07:34 pm (UTC)
I don't know what to say. Except that as far as I'm concerned, nothing you're worried about is or ever will be true.

18th-Oct-2007 07:52 pm (UTC)
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18th-Oct-2007 07:50 pm (UTC)

Rabbithole was because Street Eden wasn't active. And part of Street Eden not being active for my pup was (is) that her husband wasn't being played. And we told you about Rabbithole from the beginning you and invited you and AFAIC there's a standing invitation for you in the warren because Hana and Loo and Iroh are partly yours anyway. But you weren't interested and I guess still aren't interested, and that was OK (it really is) because there's more important things.

But that we weren't allowed to move on; the impression that because you had other things from us, then we weren't allowed to do anything else: that hurt. And I am still not sure how much you're aware of how much it hurt me, at least.

Um, but. But I'm fairly certain you haven't lied to me. And that counts. <3
18th-Oct-2007 07:38 pm (UTC)

I think you know where I stand, yeah? *hugs*
18th-Oct-2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know.
18th-Oct-2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
I'm not in Milliways much at the moment, or I would tag your charries. I do read your journal, too, and find many interesting things on it.

I've apped a new character who's very dark and litereally gothy but that I can't entirely take seriously, and I'm sure I'm going to tag your charries with him again.

He's from a historical novel written in the 19th century, so i think he might benefit from having his mind expanded about women's ability to fight when meeting Mel. For example.-
18th-Oct-2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
That actually means a lot, Maru. Thank you. And Mel likes breaking old fashioned guys' heads. :)
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18th-Oct-2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
:-D I'm pretty damn sure about that, especially cause no matter how avoidy I get, you're still there, and I appreciate it. You're a permanent fixture.
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18th-Oct-2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

And... I didn't know this about you. That you'd tell me. I mean: I should know it, but I wasn't sure. Possibly because you've never told me? So it does help to have it said. Thank you.
18th-Oct-2007 08:09 pm (UTC)
Not being remotely connected to Milliways I say thee - you are are utterly okay with me.
18th-Oct-2007 08:36 pm (UTC)

Course, I'm pretty certain you'd tell me if we weren't.
18th-Oct-2007 08:12 pm (UTC)
I don't think I have a reason to not like you. I think you do cool posts.

Also, people who defriend you and then lie about it are lame.

And I can totally sympathise on the fear of talking to folks. I have to psych myself up before just pinging someone by reminding myself, "OK, do YOU hate people who randomly contact you for gameage, or are you happy because someone wants to play with you?" (And sometimes, it works!)

In conclusion, *Internet Hugs*
18th-Oct-2007 08:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Sooz. *squishes*
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18th-Oct-2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
♥ Thanks. I think we're OK, too. We just have timezones.
18th-Oct-2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
I know most of what you've written here doesn't really apply to non-role-playing types like me, but then again I do know you through an online medium (i.e. this one), so I felt slightly qualified to comment. In a sort of 'I got a D at GCSE' way - but still....

FWIW, on my friends list, you're like one of the core members of the United Nations Security Council - permanent. I think everyone has a few people on their flist whose entries they don't really read, and who they're keeping there mainly out of politeness. But not you. I know we don't comment on every one of each other's posts - of course not. As you say, we're both busy people, and both of us post about things the other doesn't really 'get'.

But I read them all, and even when I don't 'get' it, I genuinely appreciate the fact that you do, and I smile at the way you write about it. All of it. Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, you're an integral part of What LJ Is All About.

Anyway, I hope the stress eases soon. And that this post helps ease your mind.
18th-Oct-2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Pen. I appreciate that a lot. And yeah, I think we're stuck with each other :)
18th-Oct-2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
We coo'.

18th-Oct-2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
Good to know. *hugs back*
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18th-Oct-2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
Thanks, you. *hugs*
18th-Oct-2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
Tag my pups. Ping me. E-mail me. Say hi. Because you are still my friend, and still one of the best RPers I know, and I miss playing with you.
18th-Oct-2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
OK! *salutes*

We totally can and stuff. I'm not scared of losing you at all. :)
18th-Oct-2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
As one of the people I'm fairly sure it's not talking about except in the generalized "nervous about tagging into anything" way, I wanted to let you know that you're not alone there. I periodically go through almost exactly the same thing, and from general conversation with other players I know I'm not the only one. (Which is why you'll see the userinfo for all of my FH characters plastered with "Please, please tell me if there's a problem, so I can correct it.")

There's a strong trend in RP circles (everywhere, I think, not just any one particular game) for problems people do have to go unsaid until someone just explodes or drops a bombshell of "You always do this and no one felt comfortable saying it's a problem before." Which leaves the recipient kind of reeling and feeling dumb and defensive in equal measures, because here's someone with a build-up of resentment at them, but it's only a build-up because they were never given the chance to fix or explain it.

Which just feeds the paranoia that makes us think other people aren't happy with us when maybe they're just busy, or distracted, or a million other reasons that communication/playing might decrease. (Even when we're busy and skimming and avoiding distraction ourselves, because yeah, been there too.) It's frustrating because I don't think it's meant to be hurtful on anybody's part, but it really messes with people who've been burned by it before, or have always been nervous about friendships, etc.

On the validation-you-didn't-ask-for side, though, everyone at FH that I've ever heard say anything about Claire or you has only had good things to say, and you're totally welcome in any thread of mine assuming it doesn't belong to somebody else's plot and there isn't gratuitous nudity involved!
18th-Oct-2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
I don't even know if I have played with you. Possibly because part of the issues means I'm hardly threading with anyone except Peter, cause he's there.

But yeah, you're absolutely right with the build up stuff. And thanks for the validation on Claire, cause TBH I am still scared about FH. It seems hard to get into the swing of, and I don't know why :-\, but I still feel like an outsider.
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