"Why does it feel as though I've wasted the last few years?"
"Oh. That's a separate issue, Honey. It's serious, life-changing and inevitably fatal."
"Oh God! Tumour time! What is it?"
"It's called 'growing up'."
A Girl and her Fed by "Otter"
The main reason I read A Girl and Her Fed
is not the commentary on civil liberties, and big important people interfering in little lives. And it's not Ben Franklin with little fairy wings. It's that I identify with the main character so much it's scary sometimes. Especially given she talks to ghosts and is occasionally psychotically violent. I was first introduced to the strip by steely_glint
emailing me the link to a filler art I now can't find, in which she wears a T-shirt proclaiming:
Adult ADHD: Making life interesting since... oh, about 30 seconds ago.
A lot of what CAT did was to try and heap me out of depression, make me aware of anxiety and help me recognise zoning phases. Anxiety awareness has helped me a lot, because I can recognise that - for example -my flatmates DO NOT currently hate me**, it's just that the things that my stress levels mean my anxiety level is high and so I'm picking up on non-signs. Also, they're stressed with their lives, so we've amplified and OH BOY THAT'S FUN. It's helped me recognise that my irrational crying fits are - well, irrational, but not because I'm
irrational. Therapy helped. But my therapist didn't know anything about ADD and we didn't talk about it much.
Except she wanted to know why I seemed to be constantly searching for a mental "condition" to categorise myself, especially given my aversion to gender roles, my shrugging off of sexuality labels and so on. Why have I tried to convince myself that I'm bipolar (I'm not), that I had PTSD (I probably didn't), that I'm OCD (eh, maybe), or ADD (my current obsession) I even currently describe myself as having 'anxiety disorder'.
Well, if I'm honest with myself, it's because I want something to blame.
I have to keep telling myself
It's going to be OK; you can do this.
just to bring myself down to a state of mind functional enough to actually do anything about making it OK, and doing this. When I'm not knackered from work, I lie awake at night hating myself for wasting the last three and a half years. The urge to cut and run right now is overwhelming -the only thing stopping me from doing so is the fear of failure - of letting down my supervisors, and my parents, but primarily what people will think of me if I fail: supervisors and parents top of that list, but y'know, everyone else ever - but then surely it'll hurt less in the long run if I just give up now. (But then, I tell myself that if I don't get a PhD, I can kiss ORO goodbye)
I've fucked up
. I'm getting through day by day now by telling myself I can fix my fuck up, and that even if I can't, that's OK. But I have fucked up
. And I want to say "My ADD fucked up" rather than "I'm a lazy bitch who doesn't deserve what she didn't work hard enough for." ADD provides a convenient excuse for me being distracted when I should be working:
MYTH: ADD is just a lack of willpower. Persons with ADD focus well on things that interest them; they could focus on any other tasks if they really wanted to.
FACT:ADD looks very much like a willpower problem, but it isn’t. It’s essentially a chemical problem in the management systems of the brain.
There are other things that I'd just feel better
about myself if I could blame on ADD - like for instance the fact that I can't drive.
As you can tell, this morning I was so anxious breathing hurt. As I work this morning, it's improving, but still. I am, frankly, at the lowest point in my life so far, and it's only the assurance that it's temporary that is getting me out of bed in the morning.
I haven't finished with the love meme
. I'm going to get back to it and go through it VERY SLOWLY so no one's allowed to be emo 'cause I haven't done you, mmkay? Kay.*Subject line from Martha Denkla, at Johns-Hopkins
**Uh, unless they do hate me and haven't told me, in which case, their problem, not mine!