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Finally watching Eragon 
19th-Apr-2008 11:23 pm
full of shit
...what the shit is this?
19th-Apr-2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
pain, that's what it is. i walked out midway through, the only time i have ever done that in a theatre! the cg was okay, and i like jeremy irons and blonde brothers rolling around in the hay, but not enough to keep watching.
19th-Apr-2008 10:26 pm (UTC)
it's just...

And everytime i think I'm coping with the surface crapness of it, my critical brain speaks up and says "Oh hay, look at the men=riders, women=dragons dynamic there" and explodes.
19th-Apr-2008 10:29 pm (UTC)
A great big pile of cock.

ETA: sorry if that was too graphic for you, just that that's how a friend described a really bad movie once and I have forever been LOL at it.

Edited at 2008-04-19 22:30 (UTC)
19th-Apr-2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
no, it's an accurrate description.
19th-Apr-2008 10:29 pm (UTC)
A stepping stone to better things, ha ha.

Is that Shirley Manson in your user pic?
19th-Apr-2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes it is.

She's purdy.
19th-Apr-2008 10:34 pm (UTC)
Incredibly so.

I'm a big fan.
19th-Apr-2008 10:35 pm (UTC)
Well, it goes like this. Star Wars and Dragonriders of Pern had a bastard lovechild, and that lovechild did a line of coke off Tolkein's stomach and then took a shit. Eragon is the shit in question.

19th-Apr-2008 10:42 pm (UTC)
*points* That! That's it!

Oh my gods.
19th-Apr-2008 10:42 pm (UTC)
*takes a bow*
20th-Apr-2008 02:49 am (UTC)
Ha! Thank you for making my night! I just read this out loud to my girlfriend.
20th-Apr-2008 02:55 am (UTC)
*dramatic bow* I live to serve.
19th-Apr-2008 10:38 pm (UTC)
In a slightly terrifying addition, apparently Christopher Paolini actually thinks films for all his books will be made, and since there's apparently going to be four (god help us) books, that's ... that's an impressive amount of fail.
19th-Apr-2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
The fail hurts me, even in potentia.
19th-Apr-2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
Rifftrax described it best, I believe:

Are you a fan of Star Wars but feel that there just weren't enough brain-stunningly idiotic names for your taste? Do you like the Lord of the Rings films but find they move too quickly and make too much sense?

Did you enjoy The Matrix but wish it could have contained a horrendously embarrassing performance by former actor/professional picnic ham John Malkovich? Then you need help! That is, then Eragon is the film for you!

Ostensibly about some punk who finds a dragon egg, Eragon is actually a poignant onscreen documentation of the decline of Jeremy Irons, whose eye bags, if there were any justice, would have received third billing. And it's also a showcase for first time actor - um- can't remember his name. Really made no impression one way or the other. (In fact, was he even in the film?)

But mostly it's an opportunity to watch John Malkovich turn in a performance that had to - HAD TO - be a direct challenge to the director, "Please, fire me.I'm begging you to fire me. I'll do a take like this and then you'll have to fire me. Wait, I'm still not fired?"
19th-Apr-2008 11:18 pm (UTC)
A movie based on a book that was popular solely because (a) the author was young and (b) people his age are stupid and bought his crap anyway.

The impression I get is that this all comes through painfully obviously in both the books and the movie.


I doubt there will be more.
20th-Apr-2008 12:03 am (UTC)
on the other hand, Uwe Boll keeps making films, so obviously being ana bomination of cinema time is not necessarily going to prevent sequels...
20th-Apr-2008 09:37 am (UTC)
Well, until they changed the tax laws governing such things in Germany, Uwe didn't have to worry a whole lot about getting investors, as any film investment in Germant allowed you to write off the entire investment as a tax deduction. So if it made nothing in theaters, the investors had a huge write-off. (Oddly enough, Boll was using the tax shelter laws for their intended purpose...)

Of course, now that those laws have changed, I have no idea how he is talking people into investing into his movie projects. He's a complete flipping idiot at times, too, saying he's better then Michael Bay, and other out-of-his-ass comments.
20th-Apr-2008 12:44 am (UTC)
You know, I was going to say that "thank god I've never seen it, the book was terrible enough" (don't judge me, it was a christmas present from my mother. I couldn't very well NOT read it.) and then when I looked up Jeremy Irons to go "who the hell is that" went "oh gawd, I DID see it" and realized I had blocked out the memories.
20th-Apr-2008 10:43 am (UTC)
You're sure you're not thinking of Dungeons & Dragons, another very bad fantasy film in which one can only hope Jeremy Irons was just paying off a tax bill?
20th-Apr-2008 05:01 pm (UTC)
*hangs head in shame* No. It was very definitely Eragon.
20th-Apr-2008 03:46 am (UTC)
i met Christopher Paolini once at an authors' thing and was... unimpressed. His mother and father vanity-published the original run of the book for him, so he never really got what you'd call an "editor". Perhaps that made it into the film.

20th-Apr-2008 03:55 am (UTC)
I get all my Paolini-related news from other sources (one wonderfully vicious in particular) so I can't really talk, but I do get the impression that not only was he - to steal that wonderful American expression - born on third base and convinced he hit a triple, but also convinced that nobody has ever hit a triple so good or so wonderful before.

This leads to him openly telling a writer's convention - again, so I hear - that if they can't find a word they like immediately, the greatest tool a writer has is his thesaurus. And the rage of the universe, inexplicably, did not immediately strike him down.

So, yes. Writing a book when you're a teenager is quite an accomplishment - not unique, but quite an accomplishment. It doesn't mean it's a good book.
20th-Apr-2008 09:56 am (UTC)
A really bad movie?
20th-Apr-2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
I have somehow managed to avoid both this and Dungeons and Dragons. Fans of bad movies tell me they were sticking forks in their legs in response to both, so I'm not in a hurry to remedy my ignorance.

Jeremy Irons, do you really need the money this badly? They can get other people to do an English accent, you know.
20th-Apr-2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
Actually, since I went in thinking it was gonna be the worst movie in all the world, I enjoyed it.


I'll admit, though, it was mostly because Jeremy Irons was damn sexy (and reminded me quite a bit of House). So anything without him in it, I didn't really like anymore.
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