Somewhere you slipped out of phase with Time.
It's always been a risk.
You've always known it's hard;
You've had to work so hard to keep yourself steady,
Going through time moment by moment like everyone else.
(And how you resent them, the people who make it look easy
Whose minutes are the same length,
And who always know
how long they've been waiting
And don't need the hour when they ask the time.)
But you were doing so well
And then you fell out of time, and it won't slow down long enough for you to get back on.
You have a thing to do.
The most important thing in your life, and you should be able to do it.
All you need to do is do it.
So you open the page and you get ready to write.
And you stare
and you stare
at the page and realise you can't.
You can't and you can't and you can't and you can't.
You knew what you were going to say,
Had a plan
A to do list.
Everything planned out week by day by getitdoneontime.
And the first step isn't coming. It's not there.
...it's fine, for a day
Everyone, they say, has off days. You're allowed to have a bad day.
Don't panic, relax. You'll get it done.
Only that was five minutes ago and
Now it's six hours later and time to go home.
That was yesterday and
Before you've come to terms with the loss of yesterday it was last week and
You blink and you've missed it and
Suddenly you realise its been two weeks since you heard from your sick friend
A month since she was taken ill and
You don't know if she's still how sick she is
Or if you still have a friend
(You were told not to ask)
And your minutes drag like hours
Hours race by out of your control and
You've lost contact can't keep up with your friends
Need for the contact,
Need some way back into time but
Forgot lost track too late nearly missed it
Can't hear can't listen can't pay attention can't
Can't cope can't be with crowds can't concentrate shutupshutupshutupI'mgoinghome
And you need them but you can't give them the attention they deserve and
They've gone, own problems, own lives and
You're still sitting staring at the screen
Trying to get your brain to write that thing you told yourself promised yourself you'd write yestertwoweeks ago.
Not drowning, you're not drowning.
Because you're not struggling. You're just
Swallowing a lot of water
Floating not swimming and
You won't drown if you swim but
You can't swim
You know how to swim, took the lessons
Promised everyone you would swim but
You're sending the messages to your limbs and
You've stopped swimming and it's already too late to start.
It's so terribly simple.
All you have to do is to do it. To buckle down and do it but
Can't won't doesn't mind won't stay still and
and and and you had an hour to spare five minutes ago and now you're fiteen minutes late and
Can't find the meeting place. should have checked the meeting place can't remember the name thought it was on this road why won't anyone help
You've been running because late and breath short and don't panic can't find it
And you're late and it's tearing your chest apart and why can you never do anything late and
You're this close to packing it all in and going home and packing that in and going really home and what happens when you run out of things to pack in?
...then you're sorry you're late and they've saved a chair and
It's OK, and it's new, and it's interesting
You help others to learn.
It's fun and it's right and you don't have to worry about the time
You don't bulldoze over others' conversation and you don't have to fight to be heard.
Everything's okay, now.
It turned out, you realise with a smile, that all you needed was one good day
For a day, everything's going to be alright
And then you get the message.
"I just checked Facebook, and I'm sorry to hear about your dog."
And the dam bursts and
Everything pours out and over and you're washed away on
Everything you thought you were dealing with
And you can't stop can't stop and
It hurts, god it hurts can't breathe can't think can't anything
Seconds become hours become miutes become
God, you need a hug need touch, need something but
The nearest person who hugs is a country away and
You can't sleep can't wake can't
Late again stressed again can't handle it can't
Cope with it can't anything and
You're screaming, screaming, screaming so loud it's making your head explode and
Why is no one coming why are you alone where is the help you need and then you remember
All the screaming is in your head because
You can't remember how to use your throat and
You don't want to bother anyone and
You're not sure if they care and
You can't risk it and
It's all your fault because
All you had to do was
Get on with it and
You didn't couldn't wouldn't can't and
You realise, along the way, you fell
And landed in a pit of bad poetry and
A grown up would get over it.