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Like a punch to the gut 
4th-Jun-2009 06:32 pm
"Do you think you could just be lazy?" she said.

Which, frankly, knocked me for six, took my breath away and made me cry right there in her office. It left me struggling to explain that I know what lazy feels like; lazy is when you know there's something to do, but don't because you chose not to; doing something else is more enjoyable.

It's not, as I described it to her, either completely forgetting nearly everything unless I'm reminded, nor is it the state of knowing I have to do something, wanting to do something, but finding myself seizing up and somehow incapable of doing it, paralysed into doing something else entirely and incapable of even thinking about my 'to-do' list without having an anxiety attack.

I alluded to, although not going into in too much detail (I was too upset) how much baggage I carry from being constantly told I'm lazy, by teachers and adults all my childhood, of being told that I was 'lazy' and a 'disgrace' and I'd better 'pull my socks up' when I was struggling so hard so constantly, and making myself too upset to work.

I remember, 11 years old, spending lunch after lunch sitting in the library drawing the same picture over and over again because I couldn't go out to play until I'd finished the homework it was a part of, but I had found a 'wall' in the task of drawing the picture of the kind I'd grow to know and hate later, that wall that, while it may not be done in an objective term, somehow stops me from doing more. The wall that always stops me from proofreading, or from completely tidying any one room, or just generally stops me completing any one task. And the more my teacher would scold and humiliate me, the less able I was to complete it. It wasn't laziness.

I remember staging one of my 'alright I'm going to overdose on paracetamol and THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY' tantrums because - well, I can't remember what household task I'd failed to do, but the phrase 'parasite on this house' was used.

If I was just 'lazy', I'd just be able to stop being lazy. If I was just 'lazy', I wouldn't have to work so hard to not be, I could just... stop.

I have decided to tell myself she asked me if I was lazy in order to see what reaction she could elicit. Because I hardly know this woman and I don't want to dislike her yet.

GIP, in a way. If you're reading this on DreamWidth, you won't be able to see the icon, but I'm proud of it for it's simplicity. Words and art from 52, and in reference to Renee Montoya's meditation while training to become the Question.
4th-Jun-2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
O_O was this a doctor who asked you this? *verging on extreme anger*
4th-Jun-2009 05:43 pm (UTC)
A psychologist, yeah.
4th-Jun-2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
I used to be trusting towards health professionals, but then they proved to me again and again that they couldn't be. All three of my therapists were useless and when the doctor sent me to a cognitive behaviourhal psychologist...she was actually just the regular kind. It makes me so angry that they think it's their right to judge us.

I really hope this one turns out to be better for you, but no wonder you're feeling stressed when she says something that stupid to you. I know exactly what you mean about the difference between lazy and knowing you should do something but seizing up when you try.
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4th-Jun-2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much for commenting with a suggestion.

At the moment, because of the tone she's been using and because my judgment of her otherwise isn't of a particularly cruel person, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. But that doesn't mean your opinion is unwanted or that I'm going to to dismiss it.
5th-Jun-2009 03:22 pm (UTC)
4th-Jun-2009 05:43 pm (UTC)

I had a manager at my last job express the idea that depression did not actually exist and it was just people telling me I can't do things. Which is particularly hilarious since I grew up in an environment full of positive and encouraging messages and supportive folks. Literally the only reason for me to be depressed was that my body had chemical problems. THANK YOU, SIR, I THINK I KNOW MY LIFE BETTER THAN YOU DO.
4th-Jun-2009 05:48 pm (UTC)
My dad very pointedly told me that depression didn't exist and I was just whining. Despite being told that I should be on serious medication. *hugs*
4th-Jun-2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
uuuugh. *hugs*

I love the "I KNOW BETTER THAN SCIENTISTS!" thing. Wait, I mean HATE.
(Deleted comment)
6th-Jun-2009 03:25 pm (UTC)
Thanks! But I don't think that would change his mind. He once told me he could do a heart transplant better than a doctor, so he's kind of ignorant.
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6th-Jun-2009 03:54 pm (UTC)
*giggles* Yeah, that's about right,
4th-Jun-2009 06:07 pm (UTC)
blimey, I could have written that, almost word for word. Except i haven't seen a psychologist. (well, not since school. school thought I was retarded, and couldn't work out how I couldn't do homework but aced exams)
4th-Jun-2009 06:19 pm (UTC)
"wanting to do something, but finding myself seizing up and somehow incapable of doing it, paralysed into doing something else entirely and incapable of even thinking about my 'to-do' list without having an anxiety attack."

I relate to this so much, I've been like that from A level to final year dissertation, although for me its dyspraxia that causes it.

How dare they say you are lazy ? I mean someone who is lazy wouldn't bother to start a PhD or keep up a blog or any of the things you do, what kind of psychologist are they?
Just a general one or an Educational one ?

Sometimes I think that I am lazy and I am just not as clever as people think I am, but I'm not and you certainly aren't either.
4th-Jun-2009 06:41 pm (UTC)
Oh, Debi.

4th-Jun-2009 07:48 pm (UTC)
I get you and I miss you and I so much want to hug you.
5th-Jun-2009 12:36 am (UTC)
Off topic, but that is one scary icon.
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4th-Jun-2009 09:34 pm (UTC)
I have absolutely no idea, but of course you can friend me! Welcome!
(Deleted comment)
4th-Jun-2009 09:36 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I don't harbour any actual ill will towards her. I feel a little like the psychological equivalent of having been poked hard in a sore place to see if it hurts?
4th-Jun-2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
Huge, huge sympathy. *hug*
5th-Jun-2009 02:16 am (UTC)
When I was first getting to know my therapist, she used to ask me questions like this. "Do you think you're just trying to piss off your parents?" "Do you think you're just lazy? Just scared? Just bored?" All kinds of things.

I think it's partly wanting to see your reaction and partly wanting to know what you really think about it. I wouldn't count out the possibility that there are a lot of people that go into doctors offices who are sick but are also lazy or scared or bored or just trying to piss off their parents. I know that sometimes I haven't been sure if I'm not doing something because of Depression or because I'm tired and Just Don't Want To. So I can see why doctors would see the need to ask these questions sometimes.

At the same time, when my therapist asked me, after only knowing me for a month, if I didn't have friends just to irritate and annoy my parents, I burst into tears. But that was in the beginning of our relationship and I've known her for almost seven years since then.

...all the same, god, ow.

You're not lazy. And you're stronger than most people just for actively seeking help.

Adore you. ♥
5th-Jun-2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
This is so me it's hard to even read it. I wish I could help, but I am thinking of you.
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