So I guess I've sucked at updates. And there are things going on in my life that people might like to know about, so here's a quick run down.
I graduated with a Masters in Education (EdM) in Studies in Education, with a focus in Museum Education. If that's a mouthful, just say "Masters in Education." It's pretty much what it says on the tin.
I currently am working for the American Museum of Natural History, designing curricula for their summer school programs, one of which I will also be co-teaching. This is my first paid job doing what I love! It's both awesome and... really really stressful because the complete curriculum for the one I'm not teaching is due Tuesday and I hate deadlines! I don't work well to them and they make me stressed. And when I'm stressed, I'm miserable.
It's a temporary job, and I'm able to do it because my student visa allows for it - technically, if I apply for permission to. My application is currently being processed. So fingers crossed, guys.
Well. First, I need to find a job. Then I need to get that job to sponsor me for an H1 visa so I can stay in the country. Else I'm out on my arse to the UK, where there are even fewer museum education jobs out there, and with whose education system I am now less familiar.
I want to stay
you guys. I really do. I love living in New York. I love the museums here, I love my work (even if it's stressful), I love my apartment and my roommates. I love the friends I have here. I love the strangers, and the history and the culture.
And I don't want to fail at this.
Kinda stupid, I know. The only reason I'm here
is for a love that failed. But if I go home, then it's just proof that I threw away all this money and time and effort for nothing.
But I have to find a job, and it's hard, and I'm frankly terrified of being kicked out of the country. I've applied for a few jobs, with absolutely no luck. I have already suffered in the last couple of months by putting all my hopes into one job, but right now, the only thing I can hope for is that this job turns into something longer term, and they think it's worth sponsoring me for a visa, which if I'm honest, I don't think is likely.
I genuinely don't know what to do.
Roller Derby and other exercises
So it's all katancelt
's fault, really. She took me to a Gotham Girls
bout last September and I was instantly hooked. So much so that skates went on my Christmas list and my sister supplied.
Of course, she knows me too well, and got me hockey skates instead of derby skates, but I've since fixed that. I've been skating on a pretty much twice-weekly basis since January and considering my usual terrible commitment to anything, this is pretty awesome.
What I love about roller skating is that once you've got something, you've got it
, and you can feel that instantly. Wheels directly on your feet: there's instant feedback. From simply skating forward (or backward) to turns, stops, crossovers, I can go form "I don't even know how to start!" to "oh wow I'm doing it!" in the course of half an hour. It's amazing
With regular running now, and building up my ability to do press ups, I'm feeling a lot more at home in my body, these days.
Welp, I tried. I really did. I did a bit of OKCupid flirting. I met a couple people -one in particular has turned into a very good friend with whom I love spending time. But.
My heart is still broken, and despite my own experience and that of a very good friend being that meaningless sex a good way to get over that - I burned out all my promiscuity energy a long time ago. It's just... now I have to ask the question "will I ever love someone else well enough to change continents for them?" And. Well. No. Never again.
And my future is so uncertain that no commitments can be made, anyway. There's just no point in getting to know someone if I might be deported in a matter of months, is there?
I don't deal well on my own. A lot of my self regard rides on what people think of me, and I'm no one's "person they love more than anyone else," and I so very much want to be. But I suppose I'm going to have to figure out how to do it. Because I'm not fit for anyone else right now.
Mental Health. TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, suicidal thoughts, hints at eating disorder
Well, the good news is, this is much better than it has been!
news is that you can tell it's better than it has been because I'm actually having the suicidal thoughts. Which, um.
Don't worry, I'm not in any physical danger. For me, thoughts
of suicide are so common that when I first read on a depression symptom list "thoughts of suicide whether or not you plan to follow through with them
," I threw the howl list away instantly. That's normal, surely
, I thought. That's just day to day life.
[Look, I had my first "I'm going to kill myself - no I'm not!" situation that I can remember when I was twelve. I was fantasizing about death before that. I have never done myself physical harm or put myself in physical danger in those ways. Though I did force myself into an eating disorder when I was a teenager, and my appetite is the first to play up when I'm having a hard time. See: the roleplay related starvation incident of 2006.]
Anyway, so it's been a really bad
few months for me, mental health wise. Related to being lonely and stressed, obviously. In January, I noticed it had got so bad that I was no longer having suicidal thoughts.
I don't know if this can be explained.
My self esteem, my belief that I deserved happiness, had sunk so low that I had no desire to do anything for myself. Anything other than what was expected of me. Fulfill commitments, be around for the people who love me, keep existing. Because I believed so deeply that I deserved misery that I wasn't entertaining any fantasies of escape.
I didn't tell anyone, of course, because that's not the kind of thing you tell someone. "By the way, I've gone through depression and out the other side
, but don't worry! I won't be in any danger until I cheer up a little!
So now, I'm just usually miserable. And futureless, and scared, and I'm kind of identifying far too much with Poison's Every Rose Has Its Thorn
(I mean, WTF, self?)
So in conclusion: my mental health is shit! But I'm working on it! Yaaaaay me!
This post is also posted at InnerBrat @ Dreamwidth where it has comments. Feel free to join in the conversation wherever you feel most comfortable.